♥time does heal wounds but eventually leave scar in your heart.

31 December 2011 { 02:11 }

its 31/12/11; last day of 2o11. well, started this year soso, with my o's results out. i still rmb i took my results from mryuen, then didnt dare to look at it, fearing that i'll fail or whatever. i told God to gimme some courage, then finally i looked at it. i saw that i had 2 As and rest Bs. okay next, my As were A2s. okay.. was hoping for certain subjects. but thankfully there's no 5/6 (C5/C6). that moment i'm like, i passed my a math? :O then i looked at the subjects. GOSH NO JOKE, A2 FOR COMBINED HUMANITIES WHEN I SCREWED MY PAPER?! wow. half disappointment, half unexpected. then i calculated. dang, 14points r4, 17points r5. i cried. quite badly. re-arranged my future path. hoped for it. submitted my choices. dang again, on the JAE results day, i'm like WTS @*%&@*(#&@*( I'M IN NYP?!?! so damn far from my house. got into Medicinal Chem in NYP. my 6th choice i think? was so troubled. thank God for xinyi, pei me go SP walk walk, see scores. wanted to appeal to SP. then end up cannot. so i'm like, okay, God you decide where You want me to go. i appealed into Molecular Biotechnology in NYP. and dingggg i got in. and so, i moved on from Central, to NYP in PolyDINS. wasnt that bad. still trying to fit in till now. but i guess its all God's plan. seriously.

then came FO2o11! was kinda excited & nervous at the same time. its like, dk what to expect, who are your new classmates etc. came with huifang. realised that we're in different classes. had a sad face. then i told God, give me courage strength and whatever i need in my class. most importantly, Your presence! &i walked into the sports hall. went in, sat down. one minute later this girl walked in and sat beside me. her name is Kangling! :D so yeah, tada! my first new friend in poly! she's a really great friend, and sister to me. a God-sent angel in my poly life. she encourage me, pray for me, be there with me, makes me laugh. whee~ :D oh anw, then back to FO. sat round a circle, thats when i got to take a GOOD LOOK at my new classmates. okay honestly, i wanted to see mainly the guys. opps. HAHA SECRET EXPOSED. anw, found out that there's seriously VERY LITTLE GUYS in my class. not even one is shuai. okay got kinda average looking ones. then there's this idiot sitting at the opposite side, staring at my direction and laugh! idiot. his name is Chong Wei Jun. :3 oh, i think my class only got like 2/3 average looking ones, at that time. gradually i knew their names. Omesh is the more buffy type. but not my cup of tea. not bad looking though. then, Wei Jun! omg. *FACEPALM* okay la i thought he was quite average looking alr. one of the more shuai ones. but he OVER FRIENDLY. well, and for hairstyle? i like KaiQiang's hairstyle the most, at that time. hehe okay secret exposed. the girls, KaiHui is the most pretty. actually, i think my class girls on average all quite pretty leh. *inferior self out* LOL. ._. yeah lor. then after the whole FO, one point i got was, our class guys are brave people!! yay!! :D yup. and from the 2nd day of FO onwards, i was texting weijun the whole time. ._. man! but seriously those days were amazing. LONG smses, never ending topics. look at now! nothing. ._. idiot, i send him long msg he reply so short. sigh! *faints*

yup. so far poly life is okay for me. just that i've to buck up on my studies. and stop being such a slacker. :( and in poly, idk if its part of God's plan too, i'm together with weijun^^ though the road hasn't been easy. trust me its not easy. but i guess when God's been there with me, He pulled me through and told me i'm not alone. even when i'm faithless, i doubt, God is still God, He still loves me for who i am, He listens & He gives me whatever i need to carry on. from 23/o6/11. alot of things happened, even before we're together too. but i wanna give my best in this whole relationship thing. i realised, we're helping each other to grow. when something is wrong, we talk it out. compromise here and there, like not be so stubborn. sacrifices are made, definitely. but boy i pray that whatever i've done wont be in vain. i appreciate you so much, i learn to cherish too. through the quarrels, i learnt to depend on God more, for strength, for wisdom, sometimes just rely on Him, let God take the lead. and also through quarrels and disagreements, i've learnt to gradually change to be a better girlfriend for you, a better person, and learn to accept each other's differences. i hope that you wont give up on us. i know i've been a wilful, stubborn, hot tempered, and kinda attitude girl. but thanks baby, for not giving up on us.♥ lets both hold on, & believe that we'll make it through despite everything. and hopefully, prayerfully one day, you'll be able to attend services etc & serve God tgt with me consistently! jiayou baby, dont give up. :) dk anything can ask me or justin, whoever you're more comfortable with. really. i may not know alot of things, but i'm trying and growing. yayyyyyyy~

loveyou so much hermeschongweijun.♥ :D really appreciate you so much. :')♥

&to everyone who has been with me through thick and thin, be it believer or not.
xinyi, yuwen, kangling, eugenia, & lots more, i appreciate you guys so damn much! seriously. if not for you guys, esp xinyi, yuwen & kangling. ♥ love you guys so much! seriously!♥ for listening to all my rants, how i feel etc.. :D
as for my mehmeh aedy, thanks for being so tolerant with me, for being so patient with me. i know i havent met you for formal shep for a long long time. really really sorry, i really do appreciate you as a goodfriend (: putting aside the church stuff, you're an awesome friend! no i'm serious. you listen to me, even though you're older than me. you listen you talk to me about some stuff too... i may not be good enough, but i'll try. do tell me how you feel about me or whatever k! really, just tell me your opinions :D ♥ yup! :)
for reb, sorry for not opening up to you much. am trying, but sometimes i find it difficult to talk to you. perhaps its the personalities bah. but you're a really nice friend, if putting aside ministry. :) yeah. thanks so much! :)

well will end here. my eyes, its giving up on me. damn pain. :'( cyas people.

PS. baby, i love you, & i pray that we'll last till the end of time hehehehe.♥ HermesChongWeiJun, 23o611.♥ :D thankyou so much, baby, for everything you've done for me. really appreciate it.♥ :D

03 December 2011 { 02:12 }

its officially december. so many things happened, be it happy sad thankful angry heartbreaking etc... its been five months since we're together. so amazing. God kept me together throughout this whole period. there are times i feel like breaking down, giving up, etc. but God kept me going. He gave me strength, wisdom, and a little courage & faith. He placed amazing people by my side, like Kangling, to tell me that i'm not alone in my everyday life, physically. :)
baby, its been five months plus since we're together. i cherish every moment we're together. been through ups and downs, quarrels, tears, smiles, laughter, joy... despite everything, we're still together. i really thank God for keeping me strong, and keeping us together for this long. i pray that we'll be able to continue on. i know that with our characters, differences, etc. we're meant to slowly build each other up, to help each other to grow. i wanna thank you for everything, baby. everything you've done for me. when i throw temper, when i'm wilful, when i doubt myself. giving me surprises when i least expected it. really, thankyou very much.
i love you, hermeschongweijun.♥ from 23o62o11, 1646, till the end of time.♥ :)

31 August 2011 { 01:15 }

hi people. i think its like damn fast can. in a blink of an eye, its gonna be september. wow. its like, i started school five months ago, and tada! five months is gone!

all these while, i wanna thank God for ALWAYS being there for me, be it happy, sad, frustrated, worried, upset, when i cry, when i needed someone to talk to... God i KNOW that You can hear me! by faith, i know that You hear me, You listen, You're watching over me. thank You Lord. ^^ when i thought i was alone facing all the shit, You are there, giving me strength, telling me "hang in there My child!" :)))) i feel so blessed. if it wasn't for You God, i'd probably given everything up by now. even when i neglected You, complain too much, sin against You, but Lord, You're so gracious. i'm really really grateful :D *.* Amen! (Y)

anw, i hope, and pray that, this upcoming job will allow me to change my sleeping habits. seriously. i need to stop sleeping so late D: onoz. God, be my alarm clock every morning kay :P heeheh ^_^
hopefully tmr's interview will pass, then can work. but prayerfully i still can make it for lg and shepherding. not forgetting i've a sheep to teach. teach me how to manage time man. :B meow.

heheh i thank God for weijun too. he made me realise many things, made me learn/relearn lessons, both good and bad. thank God for kangling too, being silently by my side, cheering me up etc. God, she's one of the angels You sent right? :)))))))) thank You ^_^ :D xoxo<3

okay i gtg. byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
PS. baby i want us to last till the end of time too. i wish, i hope, i pray... prayerfully, we're meant to be. <3 i love you, so much more than i ever imagined. *.* <3

27 August 2011 { 01:21 }

hello people. been ages since i last blogged. from then till today, many many many things happened. be it studies, relationship, friendship etc. too lazy to blog everything.

but after all that we've went through (in the r/s), i learnt to cherish you more. it came to a point that i was actually afraid of losing you. the countless apologies even for the minor things, the eating-humble-pie, all the love and forgiveness, taken a step back.... these are all signs that i'm actually afraid of you. yeah, i'm telling you all these (if you'd still read HAHA.). yeah. perhaps after reading this you might think that oh, since you got the "power" over me, you could take me for granted or whatever. i dont know. but, i just hope that you wont, and you'd just cherish what we have together now. its not easy for me to survive till today. but because of you, and by God's strength. i survived. i persevered. i hope in times of troubles, you wont give up on this relationship, and hang on just like i did for you, for us. yeah. you're the one who somehow made me pluck up my courage again just to believe in the one i love, trust them, etc etc..... yeah. i pray so much that this holidays will be a time whereby we both can treat each other WAY better, and perhaps put in more effort to make things work out. yeah.

studies. finally end of exams. was so stressed that i mentally broke down few times, at home mainly. i really have depression, dont i? :/ okay i shouldnt say what i've done but oh well... havent been having enough sleep. SO MUCH MORE MOODSWINGS ._. kkthxbai. ._.

sigh, i should go offline alr. i NEED to sleep, after the long day. with 1h plus of sleep (5am- 630am). :/ okay bye sweetdreams. :)

19 July 2011 { 21:32 }

hi people. been ages since i blogged.

short one.. sigh.
i know you're sick and tired of hearing sorry(s). but, seriously. i cant help it when i said those stuffs. i only said how what i thought and felt. i suppose that things dont work this way sometimes. truth... how much does it worth? speaking the truth could only destroy the whole r/s, just like what happened between us. but, i know that truth is an essential to build a r/s... i dont wanna build mine on lies. sigh. seriously, everytime i see private stuffs from your phone with another girl, i cant help but to be jealous. and to think of what did you guys say... seriously. forget it. i suppose i just have to accept the harsh fact that you and girls are really like... have great affinity. sigh.. idk. i'm just so afraid.
but nevertheless, i still thank God for placing you in my life. God has made the perfect choice for me, for me to be in nyp and not SP. regardless of whether like ministry, school, course, friends etc... i'm thankful that i'm here in nyp, serving Him here. (:

well byeee. nomood~

15 July 2011 { 02:36 }

hello people. its been days since i last blogged. O_O anw. dk why always have mood swings at night de. geez. ._. seriously man, my moodswings worsen at night. ohwell, better la. later i hurt too many ppl around me subconsciously :( sigh. oh well.

today was chem day! had chem for the whole day. this thermochemistry chapter isnt that bad after all. tried to focus at the end, but failed. lol. too excited to see rebecca. hahaha! cause i had shepherding after lect. (informal laaaa). then like.. during lecture baby slept and snored. rofl. then kq heard, he was like, wth! hahah then i faster wake him up. he sleep uh, always drool one. wonder what he dreams about when he sleeps. (pretty galxzxz perhaps? HAHAHAHA!). well. had nyp vision night today. so fun. but i realised, i cant really have worship after a long day of school. i'll get distracted and semi doze off. == i mean like, solo worship can. but those like whereby you've to stand de... i'll sleep while standing. :3 ah crap, need to quit this bad bad thingy. :( then.. haha but still, worship is refreshing after a long day of school!! dk why my headaches nowadays are on and off. suddenly having headache now. sigh.

oh yeah.. thanks baby for being there for me when i'm like so mean to you. thanks for tolerating with me. sorry for all the troubles i've caused you.
when a girl pushes you away, its not that she wants you to walk off, but its because she still wants you to pull her back, hold her tighter, and not let her go. yeah. girls are complicated creatures too. hehehe. understand what i mean sotong? :B

ah crap. hate myself for being so fearful. haaaaaaaaah, because of one experience in camp and another after camp, i'm so afraid that he'll once again get attracted by other girls. oh well.. and thats when my possessive attitude comes in. stupid crap. i know i cant be that way; i might end up losing him for good. geez. seeing those people just spoil my day. D: but its inevitable! :( nono, i must learn to love them. ehehehe... God, i submit all these fears and burdens into Your hands oh God. i know i'm not strong enough to walk with all these fears with me in a r/s. God i pray that You'll bless this r/s, in a way that yeah, we go through trails and obstacles, but its because You know that we can pass the test (with Your strength ofcourse~), then You'll place the obstacle there. oh yeah, i thank You for eunice, aka xiaoqiang (HAHAHA dk why ppl keep calling her that last time o_o) for giving me some advices. yeah. learn to trust. i'm learning. its tough. it may take few months, or even a year. you know... like, trust takes a million years to build up, and yet just a mere few seconds to destroy everything built, and after that, it's quite impossible to build it back again. ah crap. oh well~~ God thanks for being so awesome and so real in my life. i seriously think that if i havent come to know You, i wont be the same me today. seriously. :) yeah...

hehehe :D faith. hmm. okay... i decide that i'm too tired to continue on... and i feel damn guilty for falling asleep while doing qt yesterday ==" gosh. ohwell. nights earthlings. :)

PS. i cant wait for sunday. :D and we need to be firm on some things yeah?(:

12 July 2011 { 20:23 }

hello people. its been ages since i last blogged. hahaha! and baby is like, blog la go blog. :3 okay idk what to post about.

ohhhhhhhhhhhh. hey baby i'm so sorry about my mood swings today and yesterday (i think??). sorry that it affected your mood too. mehmeh~~ ): ah, i feel so suck man, always have mood swings. >.< hmm. well, i really hope that it wont affect our relationship yeah? :/ meow. :/

today not so good day. i know i'm screwed for human bio. sigh. but still.. nevertheless, i still wanna thank God for being so real in my life. yesterday while walking home from bus terminal, was in a super bad mood at that moment (okay for the whole day). then like, suddenly saw two cute dogs with their owner. idk why the moment i saw the 2 dogs (and the considerate owner who bothers to put newspaper on the grass for the dog to shit on), my mood was greatly lifted! awesome manxzxz :D before that i was like telling God about my day and my worries at that moment. then like, it seemed like a God-filled moment okay! His presence felt so real at that point man. ahhh! thank God for cheering me up when i'm sad. :DDDD hehehe :D anw... God, thanks for really always being there with me 24/7. though situations, people, circumstances, problems etc may fail, but You never will! just like how my human biology CT will fail, but You wont. i trust in that, i trust in You ^^ :D hehehe. :D

okayyyyyyyyy. seriously lazy to blog, yawning like mad alr. i need a shower then print the chem tut out. sigh. no time no time! fell sick, recovered ABIT, then still sick now. sigh not enough sleep :( okay... byeeeeeeeeee! :) hope everyone's doing well; i'm still surviving.. at least, still holding on to Him and His promises, :D okay byeeeeeeeeeee. nights :D

08 July 2011 { 03:43 }

hello people. its been days since i blogged! :o

and now i realised.. actually weiting knows my blog too! omgomg! haha! my meimei, in a way.

ahhh, school sucked. hate it when people say "wah this paper (esp math) so easy! if i dont get A i will cry la!" etc de. sucks man. whenever i hear these type of comments, i immediately will sian diao~~ because for a person who's not good in math, when you hear this from another person (okay, your classmate(s)), you'd be like, screw my life, whats this? yeah thanks i know i'm not that standard but you dont have to say it in my face right dude? == ohwell. forget it. i hate it also when people compare their results. it makes me feel.. inferior. == esp for math. now... biology included too. == sigh. perhaps its just not my fate?

anw, today, i really thank God for answering me so fast. baby's friend went to disturb us on facebook, saying baby two-timing me etc de. then i'm like wts. when baby saw it he damn angry (no i mean seriously damn angry). sigh i feel damn bad for spoiling their friendship. now because of me their friendship spoil alr. ): sigh. anw, but somehow it felt so shuang, after "shooting" ppl back after so long. like its been a long time since i shoot someone. HAHAHA :D i'm so bad i know. but.. sorry eh, when i'm not happy with something, i'll say de. :/ sometimes. hmm... sigh. i still feel bad. omo, i'm in his friends de bad books alr! ): meow~

ohhhh, baby wanna come back church again!! :D yay baby! we'll see how okay? find one day bring you back again hehe :D cause you cant go out on sat mahs... hmm.. i really really hope you'll come back church hehe :D it'll be damn cool, us being in same church :D hohoho! :D xoxo baby~~

anw.. yeah. i'm hungry, AGAIN! ): sigh i've officially fallen sick. sore throat, dry cough, running nose (NONSTOP OKAY), headache, and i think imma have fever soon. sigh! ): life sucks sometimes. gonna get results. i just pray that i dont fail modules (my hbio!! T_T). meow. ): idw repeat lor. sigh. okayyyyyyyyy. time to sleep. nights nights ppl. :D

PS. thank God for prompting me with the sermon few weeks ago. giving the benefit of doubt i think. learning to trust first before doubting. yeah.. if not, i think the r/s between me and baby would have been ruined. God i thank You for helping me in this. You're awesome! (:
and baby, iloveyou too. i really do.♥

03 July 2011 { 19:44 }

hello people :D okay laaaaaa. :D

hmmm met baby. then talked and talk and talked. love the talks we had. it felt so different in a sense. very comfortable. its like we're very close friends. hahaha! :P hmm, talked about his childhood, abit of my childhood. our past. learnt how to play monopoly deal! thanks baby!! :D thanks for teaching me how play monopoly deal :x omgomg!! haha!! :P
i love it when you're so protective of me. hahahah i love the times we spent together just talking and walking. and eating like i'm 35kg and you're 45kg. HAHAHA!! :P eat and eat and eat!! :D okayyyyy. lets go out again soon!! :D

so fun lor. talking to weiting, kaiqiang, and baby on msn. hahah! couples talk! HEHEHE :D meimei, meifu, and baby, we should all go on double dates soon! :D this wed? :D hehe if i not meeting my cousin for lunchie. :P hahhahaah :P xoxo. lets go man~~

okay byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. maple!! :D

i hope we'll last long. :D

01 July 2011 { 02:09 }

hello people. finally ended common tests. it sucked! imma fail modules lor sigh. my human biology!! *@#&$*(@#&*@ GAHSHSHSHSHSH. okay idk what i doing. anw. :/ today math!! gosh!! so irritated by the paper. thank God that He's always with me man. firstly i was kinda dozing off. secondly. i didnt finish the paper. 3rd because the paper had 6 questions, gotta pick 5 and do. then one question 20mark. paper out of 100. one hour to finish everything. that's madness. i cant even finish my 2hour sec school papers, and you expect me to finish one hour 100mark math paper? i end up doing like 3.5/5 of the questions. i'm super upset! :( no time to finish lor. sigh. nvm. still thank God for the accompany throughout the entire math. i know i've done my best; God will do the rest. though i'm kinda like expecting what, a C alr cause i lost like about 30marks. and you know in poly 30 marks makes BIG BIG difference? == sigh. nvm!! :D God's still good no matter what the circumstance is. :D

anw, today. after paper i went eat with weijun & kangling. then trained to esplanade. chatted with reb clarisse and liting and stella. stella damn cute and funny!! i like talking to stella!! yay can get to know her more :D heheh :D ya lor. then lg hahah! played games, ate. enjoyed the lg. :) laughed alot!!!

okay. nothing much alr. one thing to do...
rebecca, this is for you. ahh, i've no idea how to bring about the subject and like its all so awkward for this type of subject and all.. ohwell..
hey rebecca, got sth to tell you. have been struggling with it for the past week? dk whether to tell you or not. and i lack of the courage to even talk about it. so... i suppose i'll blog it. dk how to say in rl. yeah... finally mustered the courage to say. somehow i got this very strong feeling that i should say it like today to you. ahh. been praying about it, guess thats God's answer for me? :o
anw.. i wanna tell you that... er, i'm in a relationship with weijun. argh crap feels soooooooo weird. anw.. i've thought about it for very very long. like analysing luh :/ then somehow i decided on this decision? aiya idk how to phrase it. anw.. i think with this relationship at this point of time, it really prompts me to start relying on God more. in such a short period of time, went through so much (you've read my blog, you know.), and suddenly God placed a sheep for me to take care of, when actually i'm excited and nervous about this. excited because its my first time having a sheep; i wanna leave a positive impact in her life. nervous because i think i'm afraid i'll screw it up. but well, when God decided to let me go through something, He will definitely equip me with the things needed. and He's always there for me. yeah. anw, with all these things. on top of that there's restructuring; which means there's change. yeah changes are good; it challenges everyone for a breakthrough, including myself. also with common tests... hmm. i think all these stuffs, at the end of the day, requires me to rely and depend more and more on God Himself. as i reflect and thought about it throughout the past few days, thats what my "conclusion" is. with all these things, i know somewhere somehow i'll be drained out. people may fail, but i strongly believe God never fails. He has been there for me. yeah... anw yeah the r/s with him part, yeah its not because of these reasons la. but these are the factors i considered before deciding. yeah... hey reb, i hope you'd kinda understand. the feelings part ofcourse is there. hmm :/ feels so weird. but rebecca, i decided to tell you all these stuffs is not because oh i need to account, but i wanna start to open up my life to you. share life tgt. can help each other to grow mah. :/ ya lor. then i hope that it'll improve our communication (like lesser secrets or sth?? dk how say) and relationship between us!! :D oh ya rebecca. thanks for all the encouragement you've given me. i've much to learn from you man. hmm. do continue guiding me (ofcourse God's guiding me too, but i believe God placed ppl around to guide me too), i know i'm stubborn at times, and do have my own point of view... but if you think i've somewhere i need to change in, do tell me. correct me gently please!♥ yeah. i wish to help out more in the new structure, so.. yeah got any probs just tell me okayyyyy!! i wanna do more for His kingdom. i want to learn to balance between studies, relationship, ministry, family, friendship etc.. (: ya lor.. will share with you more of my struggles (when i think of it). yeps. i might be slow in growing sometimes due to some struggles (yes, esp my anger/attitude, still trying to change for the better, been praying too..), but yeah. sometimes.. slow and steady does it? i suppose? :/ yeah.. ahh i currently cant think of anything else ler.. so.. yepps :) once again, sorry for like sharing just on my blog. cause idk how am i gonna say all these face to face. :o ya lor... if you've anything to tell me or sth after reading this.. do text me okay! nvm de :) i'll try to reply asap. haha. OH ANDAND.. keep it low profile please~~~ thanks.♥ at least for now :/ okay... thanks sheppyy.♥♥♥♥♥

whew, took alot to type those. :/ ahhhhhhhhhh. have been struggling for days in my head alr. i know its abit.. sudden and stuffs. :/ ah crap :(

okay need to replenish my sleep. sigh. common tests!!!!!! D: God give me the strength to start studying and mugging for my examinations already. :( sigh. :( my gpa :(((((
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! [Jeremiah 29:11]. shall not worry so much bah. also, since today has enough worries of its own. wooooo~ okay. PTL! :D ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ okay nights. i'm hungry.

PS. cant wait for later! :D hahaha going out with sotong :D God bless this day!♥ oh, kangling going bugis too with her alice hahaha! :P being esme, the mother, should be happy when alice and bella hangout together. omo affected by kangling, TWIHARD FAN!! HAHAH♥♥♥. :D okayyyyyyyyy. cant wait to spend some time with sotong.♥ nights.

28 June 2011 { 21:31 }

hello people. :D yesterday was crap. today was crappier.

yesterday:
had chem CT yesterday. hmm. sigh. actually right, chem was okay! :P hehehe :P okay la, except the last question on the... idk, reaction equilibrium. stunned, dk how do. but still, thank God for giving me peace when i last min before paper started then pray. :P hehehe. :P God is good!! :D anw. quite fun luh (: after that... yeah went home... then... hmm.
ahhh, had talk with sotong again. i love those talks. can get to know each other more. yeah. and.. its like, being vulnerable when we open up our lives. yeah... (: heehee. :)
then crammed for hbio. fail. too tired. went to sleep. sigh. :(

today:
hbio was horrible terrible + vegetable!! stupid hbio. imma flunk the test i think. i only could do like less than 1/2 of the paper?? == wth?! sigh. so stressed lor. so disappointed by myself. sigh. but still, God's great, He been through with me my whole paper. hahah :D then... after CT went eat @ amk with sotong & kangling. then kangling said wanna lan. so lan-ed for 2hours. then went home~
so tired la! crap man.

okay. and so... i'm tired. dead tired. :( i dont even know i can stay up to do my qt or not. later do qt halfway i fall asleep... hais. :(

yeah lor. hahaha. sigh shall stop blogging and start studying. havent studied!! byeeeeeeee. nights. :D

PS. hi sotonggggg. that letter really touched me. and.. can see that you're serious. wow. okay. i will do my best to trust you, to have that lil faith in you. yes i admit i'm afraid, but... i'm willing to give this a chance. a try. but.. well. promise me that we'll go through everything together. facing obstacles with each other etc. most important, be honest. okay? iloveyoubaby♥.
oh and. thanks for being so protective of me. i appreciate that. yeah, i'm glad you understand my situation back then. sigh, so much for being an innocent lil girl. oh well. i really hope the past we've shared with each other wont affect the future of us. yeah... heeeeee. xoxo. :D ♥
oh, did i mention, i like the way you're protective of me. i like it (at the same time dislike it) when you're angry cause of whatever i've told you. it shows how much you care about me, show how much you do ♥ me.♥

26 June 2011 { 03:56 }

just one sentence. will edit tmr.

I want to be the girl he's scared to lose; the one where he can't walk away from knowing she's mad at him, The one who can't fall asleep without her voice being the last one he hears. the one he can't live without.
yeah, i want to be the girl that YOU are scared to lose.♥ xoxo.♥

right. i'm back. hihi. today met aedy & xiaoyuan @ orchard central. super late cause of some stuffs. got a new printer finally. gahhh!! but oh well. inkjet printer. O_O hmmm. aedy's gonna be my new sheep! gosh. sometimes things come too fast and shock you. well.. now, its a good news actually. but i'm worried at the same time. i worry that i wont be a good shepherd to her. i dont handle my stuffs well. i may not be able to teach well. and... many more luh D: i dont want to cause anyone to backslide :( meow. :( yeah lor. God i really really need Your strength, wisdom, and guidance. and.. many more. :( will learn to rely on You more and more!! >:D and hor.. i know Your timing is perfect, but i wonder why You'd give me this important role when i'm like.. idk. i've this r/s between me and sotong~ ahhh. could it be... You want me to rely on You at all times and learn to balance both or sth...?? aiya idk. :/ but, nevertheless. God i thank You :) heehee. i suppose i'd have much more to be busy and lesser time to spend on other stuffs... T.T ohwell. nvm. will try my best. God will guide me, He also place ppl in my life to give me suggestions/ideas. guide me too :D hmm..
after that i studied with kangling. not say very successful. had stomach ache, constipation... i hope its not gastric flu == yeah.. then.. ate abit kfc (AGAIN!!! I SUCK T_T). then.. hmm... went home?? O_O

hmm. common test tmr. sigh. i'm damn screwed. i shall try reading everything by tonight. :/ sigh!

oh well. on the brighter side of life... God's with me! and... meeting baby tmr!! :D hahahaah omozxzxz. hahah. so nice of him. fetch me from commonwealth mrt. oh well.. God i pray that i can wake up on time == i need go school revise == OMGXZXZX! :P haha. oh well. all the best to EVERYONE having common test tmr. yeah everyone, including ppl whom i kinda dont wish to see. yeah i'm spreading the love. :/ ohwell!! hahaha whatever. :/ hmm.

okay bye. need to CRAMP tonight! bye earthlings! :D

PS. i believe the day will come soon? perhaps? aww. you miss me heheheh *shyshy* hahaha!! :D yeahh.. (: nights nights!! :D:D jiayou for CT tmr. all the best okay? :)) heehee. :D
"i promise, and i swear, i wont break your heart, and will love you, and only you, always.<3 i will treat you and pamper you with my love.<3 my love is from the bottom of my heart, no strings attached.(: super duper wooper true.(:"-chongweijun. stupid sotong. :D:D

25 June 2011 { 01:09 }

hello people :D these few days have been great and bad! :3 great cause got to spend time with lg/kangling etc. :D bad cause.. I PROCRASTINATE TOO MUCH. damn it. ah crap, root of procrastination is laziness. and laziness is a sin!! :( cant believe i'm sinning so much w/o realising its a sin. :( gosh. sorry God, seriously i need Your strength to study!! kick my butt please; so that i can study. :( meow. okay... but still, thank God for all that He've been through with me. really. having a grateful heart is important. :)

anw.. God i need Your strength to continue walking and facing the CT. they're scaring me out. T_T i know i'm sooooooooooo dead. but i want to just give my best in studying with whatever time i've left, then i'll leave the rest to You :D ahhh God i pray for peace during exams too. and wisdom, plus enlargement of my memory space. 8GB not enough, need 32GB. :3 hahaha shit i feel so lamexzzxzx. okay.

shall study soon~ byeeeee. nights earthlings. (:

hahaha hi silly boy imissyoutoo): but well.. hopefully you can still study and and absorb the best you can okay!! heheh. God's there for you hohoho. :D
anw.. seriously, imissyou! cant wait to see you on monday hehehe :P takecare okay, recover soon :)♥♥♥♥

PS. actually right, now whenever MB1103/the ppl in there (yeah you should know who, the pretty galxzxz -.-) is mentioned, or whenever i see them/sth about them, ohman. it ruins my mood. :( bcos my mind will just have flashbacks of whatever happened in camp and few days ago. it stinks. really stinks eh the feeling. when you know that the one you love has actually been wavered by someone else whom made you&the one you love argue, made the r/s sour, and made your heart hurt (and break?) is caused by those people (fyi, they're pretty and they're older. but.. they almost captured your heart, OUCHx10000000000000000times.). to make things worse, they're in the same course (just different class) and you'll see them every lecture. and i can imagine how much it'll hurt when in school you see the one you've fallen for and THEM talking and smiling away. this makes me wanna dig a hole and hide myself inside, and never come out again. geez. this is sooo weird. but.... soafraidoflosingyou,esptoanothergirl.

ah damn it. i HATE moodswings at night. *waves to weiting & kangling* just to let you guys know you're NOT alone! because i experience this (upset&cry(maybe??)) at night de. :/ ahhhhhhhhh. CRAPCRAPCRAP! okay i shall sleep bah. sigh later not pretty alr. ): nights♥. its 4:13am.

23 June 2011 { 01:59 }

hello people. today ah. nothing much also. went clementi mall with kangling to study abit. completed mole concept (thats DAMN SLOW). then... bought cash, again. then train-ed and walked to my house for maple session again. after that at about 8plus pm, i sent her home, i mean to the bus stop. waited for bus with her. then went buy fried rice. wasted 30mins to wait for one packet of fried rice. ==

its.. 424am now. i'm still awake. trying to do the bulletin. hate this. :( sigh! aiya whatever will do the best that i can then yeah.. :/ hmmmmmm.

well. i really think that God is really like with me throughout all the crap and joy i've been thru for these two weeks. seriously. when i'm down, God knows, and He placed people whom i can talk to (like kaihui, during camp that time) around me. to tell me, my precious child, you're not alone. :))))))))))))))) really thank God for all the times. :D through this, hmmm r/s (? not bgr yet O_O) i've learnt more. experienced more. and somehow i feel that God is placing different people in my life to teach me, grow me, and mature me. my shepherd, the people in church, kangling, and even weijun. i think i really learn things the hard way.

yesterday's thing, i had this voice in me saying that i should just give him another chance. like, learn to trust him again, despite the two really hurting times. since he bothered to explain whats going on. and it somehow reminded me of God's love and grace to me. He forgave all my sins, i made so many mistakes, sinned so much, and yet God still gave me many chances. how amazing can God get? :D yeah, i decided that perhaps with lil more trust, faith, honesty and abit more love plus effort. this r/s might go far. well, it all depends on God, how He wants it to turn out. yeah... God taught me to forgive, to give second chances, no matter how much one has been hurt. yay, PTL :D

anw sotong, hopefully whatever you said, whatever you promise, is true. really. sucks to feel disappointed again and again :/ oh well. i look forward to what may happen between us, like... we put in effort to make this work. yeah...

okay i cannot post anymore. i'm not thinking straight. my mind's jumbled up. bye. will finish up asap. or not, leave the finalising to tmr. ~ NIGHTS!^^

22 June 2011 { 02:37 }

hi. today nothing much luh. went wena's house for SWnP project, recorded the results. then went cck for kfc with kangling. then came my house for maple... played till about 8pm, sent kangling off. went home. was worried for my mama just now. but thank God she's safe.

okay now...

i cant believe what i've just seen. i know i'm being a busybody, but if i werent, then i wouldnt have know that actually i'm not the one you yearn for. other girl is sooooo perfect. and i think i can roughly guess who. pretty, have brains, popular etc. typical guy's wishes for a girl. the perfect girl. i know i'm not perfect, but that doesnt mean that you've the right to hurt me twice in two weeks! when i decided to forgive and forget whatever happened in camp, you let me stumble upon this thing. yeah, i'm not perfect, definitely not the perfect one in your dreams. but thing is, i've feelings too boy! dont make me fall in love with you if you didnt plan to stay with me and be honest with your feelings in the first place. every experience is the same: random person came along, gradually she fell in love with him, and then he thanked and appreciated her by leaving her, or secretly saying that there's this other girl who's perfect, and if i've her, i wouldnt want the current one. what is this?! i dont get it. why cant you just tell me how you feel. let me know. this type of things.. better not to drag too long if you're stuck. because if you love/desire for two persons at the same time, choose the 2nd one (which unfortunately i'm not the one), because if you love the first one enough you wouldnt even have the 2nd.

sorry i'm not strong enough, sorry that i stumbled across this, sorry that i'm so foolish, sorry that i'm not perfect, sorry that i cant act like it dont affect me after whatever i saw... most importantly, sorry that i felt that you didnt cherish me enough. i can see, and i know, she's pretty, smart, popular, attractive etc.. the qualities that i dont have. sorry. but if you felt that way after the camp, you should've just told me how you felt. i really want to trust you. i do. i wanna have more faith in you. its just that whatever i stumbled upon tells me otherwise. i dont wanna lie to myself, neither do i wish to lie to you. and i hope you'd be honest with me. i do wish, very much, that i'm the only one, the one and only that you'll ever look at. that you'll ever love (from now). i want whatever you wrote for me on the blog to be true, and just for me. sigh. with NO OTHER GIRLS that you... might have feelings for? or you wished for.

i hate these things, esp right before common tests. i suppose woman's instincts are usually pretty accurate. i dont feel secure after the camp, very affected by the MB1103 bunch of girls esp. so.. i'm right?

i feel hurt. much more than i imagined.

tell me that i'm wrong, tell me i over-imagined. but most importantly.. tell me the truth. will we ever work out? will you just appreciate what you have now, instead of wanting what you dont have? sigh, i guess it's human's nature. greed.

its okay, whatever you want to post on facebook or msn whatever. continue. i'm fine with it. sorry if i made you have no privacy.

bye, i really need to sleep. sleep to prevent the tears from falling again. God, please help me survive this. sigh.

21 June 2011 { 01:50 }

hello people :) had a great time today:) thank God for letting me complete my molecules and ions chapter T_T do till can die can?! omg *faints* ahhaha :) hmmm, studied with kangling at clementi mall for awhile. then wd came. jw came too. gy too. then after that wanted play lan, but ended up all come my house. played maple together. still stuck at level60. :( then... sent kangling to bus stop. ate fried rice for dinner with weida & guyang. after that played cards. tried to learn taidi, but failed. EPIC SIA WALAO :( can fail at learning that. oh well. nvm its okay. hahaha too much of card games no good :P hahaha :) then.... home sweet home :))

tmr got project, swnp one. sigh, 12pm at lot one. with lunch eaten somemore! who the heck eat lunch so early. and... sot ah, i dont wake up so early. sigh nvm. must learn to work with perfectionists. ): God, give me strength, and patience, and even more strength to persevere and finish the swnp project asap! i dont wanna slack, so God, i pray that You'll help me to fight procrastination monster, and while i give my best in the swnp work, You'll do the rest!♥♥ :D yes! faith in You that You'll be there no matter what. :) ♥ okay, God i need to do the bulletin to. how sia, i need to photocopy ==

okay... yeah. dk what to write. o.o

hmmm... aww ppl miss me alot alot ehhh *shy* sotong dont worry kay? :) we'll see each other soon! (maybe monday? :O) dont sad luh, we still text okay!! :) hmm, actually i do miss you too. aww. :/ hmm, okay wait one thing! i pray that me and you, along with all the others, will be able to study hard for our common test and hopefully none of us (including me, i'm so the super worried!) will get a C or sth. hopefully all B+ and A, BEST IS ALL A & A+! :DDDD i believe you can do it too, trust me. :) i see the strengths in you, and i know you can. trust me kay? :) i know biology is your big obstacle now, but with the hardwork you're putting in, as long as you do your best, i believe God will do the rest. my own personal experience. :/ hmm. study smart too hehehe ^^ need tips? hahaha! :P jkjk. rmb help me with math okay. or not my common test sure die == actually idk what to ask, just sit down there and make sure i do my math. :/ *doze off* hahaha! :P hmm. yep.

dont worry dont worry, after CT we go party okay!! :) eat sth good :D hehehe. :) i can bring you around eat good food. hehehe food♥♥♥. :) ohhh, btw maybe next thurs hor, i'd have shep/lg. so maybe cannot make it full day... if no lg/shep we go walk walk and eat kay? :) if got.. then friday? :D you can mah? :O hmm. jiayou studying!♥ anything text me, i'm here with you. :D if i still sleeping, talk to God, He hears you hehehe. :P no, i mean, i'm serious! xxxxxxxxxx: geez.

okayyyyyyy.♥ missyoutoo.♥

nights people.♥ :) i'll need to find some time out to do the bulletin. i suck at designing and drawing, i wonder why they still assign me to this role. O_O but still.. nevertheless, i try my best bah!! >:/ not very confident but still... JIAYOU!♥ bye nights.♥ :)

19 June 2011 { 23:53 }

hello people. :) today nothing much la actually. hahaha. woke up. maple-d with sotong. finally level 60!! omg, and found out that i still cant gs yet == *faints* cant wait for 3rd job! hehehe :) started with my new account :) hehehe. and... yeah. nothing much luh. woke up at about 3pm? == crap man. body clock's screwed. need to start studying soon ==

okay nothing much to post. :)

anw... sotong dont worry about it too much yeah. :) seriously, like each day have enough troubles of its own. just dont think about it, go sleep tonight. then tmr think of sth bah. hehe... :) sleep tight tonight okay? rest very important! (: hmmm. i'll try to help you think too. hmmm... dont worry yeah, God'll make a way. hmmm. :) ♥

ahhahaha. hopefully you can go for your class bbq. (: good way to relax & catch up with friends :D kekekekex. looking forward to see you soon!!♥♥♥ :D

going out to study with kangling tmr!! the both of us fail to study at home :/ geez!

okay byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.♥ need to spend some time doing bulletin too!! ahhhh so excited for lg! finally not at nyp!! >:/

PS. i love it when you call me yours.♥

{ 02:00 }

hello people! :) today was quite awesome. went for youth service (2nd service) with eugenia. it feels the same but different. contradicting i know. hahaha! oh well. :) one of the things which impacted me: be generous. yeah, i mean in giving, be it sth to do with $$ or not, be generous. when i learn to give, i'll prosper. proverbs 11:25. :D hmmm. yeah, it made me re-think about my chairs for soul amount. i shouldnt just limit myself to 50. by that time, i'll see how much i can give. if i'm able to give more than $50, i will. because God is a God who provides for us. He wont shortchange us too!! so thankful for that. because like, we can never outgive God. God's blessing onto us is like, WOAH THATS ALOT. amazing! anw... yeah! hahaha another verse, 1 Thess 5:18. :) thank God in every circumstance, not thanking Him according to the circumstances (like when life's great then thank God). yayyyyyyyy :D new way to lead holy comm! :D yep! okay then...
after 2nd service, went to meet sotong. :D hahahah. he seems like, guilty for getting me into "trouble" with the "authorities", shepherds in this case. but... well dont worry there's more to come, esp when one is in church, and on the verge of going into a relationship. much much more troubles. but.. i'll continue learning and walking with God. at least i do my best to. people may not agree with what i think, say and do. but... well... anw. yeah, train-ed to woodlands, met his friends. and one fact i found out today: sotong's "fate with girls (nu ren yuan)" very good siol. ._. so many girl de friends. i mean like, his close friends alot girls O_O anw. yeah, went RP after eating for the concert. concert eh, quite okay luh. :) seldom go such concerts; rare chance!! i wonder when is queenstown choir going to have concert. :O mmm. ohwell.

hmmm overall the day was good. thank God, really. i didnt really know how to survive this day. yeah... and at first i didnt really think of going 2nd service, until eugenia randomly called me and ask can pei her go 2nd service, then i'm like, oh yeah.. can go 2nd service instead. at least i'll learn sth, and spend some time with God :D ♥ ahhh. mmm. yeah.

okay, shall go do qt and sleep. hahahaha. :)

PS. really like spending time with you too! :D like, i appreciate it for sharing with me. like telling me the truth luh. at least, i know a lil bit more about you. yeah... should do this more often. like, chats and night strolls (afternoon strolls are WAY TOO HOT.). OKAY?♥:D hahaha!! :P yeah, can get to know each other better... (: well, i dont blame you for lying at first :/ i understand the reason that you lied, but that doesnt mean that i'm okay with it. no more hor! or else... *evil* hah no la jk, but seriously. i'm a person who's like, i'd rather you hurt me with the truths than make me happy by telling me a bunch of lies which are not realistic. kayyyyys? :D hahahha, yeah and i really really hope you can come church some time too D: poly's different from youth, really. :/ mmm. well.. yay :D ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

geez, miss service too actually ): sigh. xoxo.♥

18 June 2011 { 00:56 }

hello people. wow i just found out few "stalkers" of my blog HAHAHA. reb, cj, huili, edwin. thanks man.

ahhhhh, reb found out this lil secret of mine (i meant the blog). oh well. nvm, she'll know sooner or later. well, its great that you read, cause i've no idea how long have i been struggling with myself whether to say or not. bcos i found it weird to say it out. yeah, so glad that you know. but well, one thing about this... please, like seriously, keep it among yourselves. i dont want this whole matter to be spread among the other leaders and stuff. i'd feel, kinda condemn in a way or another. darn. :( i mean like, please keep whatever you've read to yourself kay? just a small condition :/
anw... i just wanna say that... even though i know i might get into a r/s anytime (perhaps later in the year or sth?? dk, who knows when :O ), but it doesnt mean that i've lost my determination to serve God and continue impacting people's lives. i believe that God will bring me through all the ups and downs in life. i know i'm lacking in many areas, i'm very flawed in character, attitude, and sometimes even spiritual wise. but i want to learn, and slowly change. i believe God is moulding slowly throughout the years. i may get side-tracked for a while, but i wont want to leave this awesome path of life with God! because i know that ever since i knew Him, He has changed me, bit by bit, making me a slightly more postive person than i was 2years plus ago. He gave me the strength to carry on, no matter how tough things was. God also showed me that despite the fact that i was faithless, that i neglected Him somewhere somehow, He's still faithful being there for me. praise God for that! yeah. i dont wish that because of this, i wont get a chance to be a shepherd/leader to impact lives. cj, & reb, i hope that you guys will slowly guide me and teach me. i may be stubborn at times, we may not agree on certain things, we may have different viewpoints on a matter but still.. hmmm. i want to change my flaws, slowly and steadily. it may take months, or even years, to change one flaw, but i believe that with God, it will happen. yep.. mmm. well.

i'll try to post normally despite knowing there are actually humans reading my blog O_O its weird but yeah.

okay today! first had shepherding with reb @ 313 somerset. well, talked, found out sth shocking, then reflected. hahahah. then went home to put my sermon book, then went anchorpoint to meet huili laopohhhh!! :D my dear wifey.♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ hahaha she's still as gong as ever! :P opps. hahahha. anw, did lil shopping at anchorpoint. huili bought like alot of stuffs. i bought nothing cause nothing seems nice. bleh! then, rushed to clementi mall to meet edwin!!♥♥♥♥♥♥ omg hahaha. otw there filled huili in with life! haha, okay its edwin who exposed my secret. kabish! stalker sia edwin tsktsk. anw, yeah. felt great to catch up with them! then, bought koi together. edwin first time buying koi by himself, and drank it once only (before this)! OMG SHOCKING EH. walk and walk, passed by comics connection about 4 times. saw my dear boyfriend (no, fiance actually) jonghyun!♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ awww honey! man, i meant the SHINee's MV la duh. hahaha jjong's hot, sexy and irresistable! :P opps! hahaha! anw.. went kfc for dinner (cant believe i'm eating it again ==). edwin still camera-shy!! )))))))))))))): oh well. nvm. after that edwin went home to prepare to go genting (OMG EDWIN I'M ENVIOUS :( NEVER BRING US GO!!!!!!), while me and huili went dhoby. actually i went there just to buy combs. but ohwell! hahah! saw weiling there too. omg hahaha! she this woman, so cool man! (: i like her lots! admire her too man! hahahha :) anw, then trained to clarke quay! bought stickys, saw hello kitty (actually huili wanna see. ROFLMAO!) hahhahaa! yeah, then sat by the river chatting and camwhoring! :) she said it felt like a date between couples. HAHAHHA! aww. :) anw, had a great time chatting with her. thank God for placing me in her life just to listen to her! (: i may not be much of a help, but i'm glad i can be her listening ear.
*rmb this: when someone shares something with you, be it a problem, or just their life, dont interrupt them with all the comments and solutions, or lecture them. instead, just listen. because about 99% of the time, people are seeking for listening ears, not lecturers/advisors who tell them what they should do. when they want advices, they will ask sth like, "what to do? what do you think i should do?". if not, just SHUT UP and LISTEN. at least that applies for me. thats why i dont share much with people whom, whenever i share something to them, they throw me back with one whole chunk of advices, comments, criticism, lectures when all i want is them to listen to me. this reminds me of me and cherynn last time. hahaha! when all she want me is to account to her (or rather tell her stuffs like about my life la), i dont. then finally one day, i told her why. hahahha! bcos she always lecture me off with the dos and donts or bring out a verse from the Bible. i mean, i do appreciate that. but sometimes all i want is just as friends, you listen to me and dont say anything unless i ask you like, what do you think i should do. or else i wont really share stuffs with you again. like, if you think i'm wrong, voice it out AFTER i've finished, at least ask for my opinion. you cant expect everyone else to think the same as you. for example, you may not agree with bgr at this age, but i think that as long as the passion for serving God is there, dont die off, and God's kingdom is priority, i think its fine. you cant force me to change my thoughts to yours. dont they encourage your own opinions on a matter too (in church, for improvements ^^)? like we're not puppets yeah? :o eh, wait i sound weird. hahahaha! one great thing about yw! and eugenia, weiling too sometimes. :) oh well. hahah! oh well!! i LOVE♥ good listeners.
okay sorry i side-tracked. anw, huili laopoh, always rmb that no matter what happens, if you need someone to talk to, i'll be there. i understand that you've limited sms. so just leave me a text alright? i'll try to be online asap so that we can fb chat. or even skype! haha! iloveyou my dear girl!♥ really honoured to have you as a closefriend. (: hopefully this friendship can maintain. yeah. thank God for you in my life too. (:

oh well. hehehe. cherish huili and edwin (the f/s between us) alot! hahah! :) known edwin for NINE YEARS! my closest guy friend and i'm proud of it! hahahah! :D thank God for edwin for bringing joy to the ppl around him hehehe. i rmb whenever i'm in a bad mood, he'll be like, make sth funny out of sth till i found no reason to be angry anymore and i'd just laugh like nobody's business! hahaha! huili also!♥ though i only knew her since sec3, but thank God that we survived through the "arguement" during sec3, and got closer in sec4 end of year due to some stuffs. :) meet up again soon okay? :D loves!♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

okay. its 2.36am and i'm not asleep. thanks to this post. hahaha!

hmmm. this dilemma. between the devil and the deep blue sea (both side also die one).
actually later on in the evening, supposed to have service and prayer meet. but, wj bought and paid concert tickets for both of us with his sec school friends (i think its like choir concert). i do want to go for the concert (its choir for goodness sake!!!!!) and also, like. need to have a good talk with sotong after all that happened. like spend some time together, talking properly, like you know w/o arguing and stuffs. HOWEVER, there's service (on top of that there's prayer meet!!!). i also do want to go for service. praise, worship and sermon. sermon is one of the things that you cant miss out on! worship too, refreshes, renew, recharge, and rest. sigh. at this point of time i wish that i've a clone, so that i can be at two places at the same time. (oh, harry potter the time turner thingy. hahaha.) sigh! if things were only that easy that i could shift the meetup to another day. thing is, sotong cant get out of house (his parents strict ya'know). argh crap. i feel damn bad for not going for the concert cause firstly he paid for it, and 2ndly, like very pangseh! (that feeling sucks alright; hence dont treat others like that when you dont wanna be treated this way!! D: ). but you know like, service is important too. and the prayer meet, i suppose its about the new building and stuff (hopefully their paint and all dried, or not i wont be able to survive there; i'll vomit when i smell too much of paint. zzz.). cant i just make a way out of this? mmm. if i dont go, i waste a ticket, and a day to perhaps get things settled, talk things out, catch up together, and perhaps this matter will have to drag till maybe even after school reopen. but if i go, i'd be skipping service, missing out on sermon (though i do do my qt). oh crap. == so? get things settled once and for all, and catch up. or drag the matter and.... actually was thinking of having dinner together with sotong. mmm, but i planned dinner for the group. == ahhhhhhhhhh! both side also die. i wish i wont wake up till sunday man. seriously!!!

okay shall go offline alr. gotta do qt and sleep. sigh, headache sia. == and my muscle aches are still there!! it gets worse every time i wake up from sleep. later tmr i wake up muscle pain till i cant go for concert and service. HAHAHHA. best solution ever man, like seriously. ._. bye nights.♥

PS. damn, its not that i dont care about you. seriously! ._. i do care. but sometimes, somehow, try to put yourself in my shoes and think abit? :/ and, you very contradicting leh. you tell me go church, then after that say you really wanna spend some time talking to me (like me talking properly, instead of arguing). its not like i dont wanna spend some time talking to you properly, settle some things, and enjoy the time spent together, catching up. but... sigh! you're upset, and yet i can do nothing about it. helpless man. sigh. this feeling sucks. and no, no need advices for now, to others who're reading this blog. so difficult to be a human being. woof.

16 June 2011 { 17:21 }

hi people. SCL camp sucked. almost totally.
made new friends, got closer to kaihui. really thank God for kaihui for being there with me. w/o her idk how am i gonna survive my 3d2n camp, seeing him with other girls, having fun, not really noticing my existence. i feel so... sigh. i know he had fun. can see from facebook. he just posted. (PS. i'm not a stalker). i know he had fun with all the people (esp girls zzz) he just know. anw.. also wanna thank God for randal, for telling me his observations. for being such a nice friend to me. no i mean seriously, he's a damn nice friend. yeah.

anw... let me talk about how i felt throughout the days.

sigh, you know, sotong, i seriously feel damn alone, jealous and very hurt. sigh. i dont want to kick a big fuss out of anything, but seriously. it hurts. my heart hurts like its been stabbed 1000times at the same spot. i hate that feeling. everytime you didnt reply me, i'd be like a fool, waiting for your msgs. havent you realised? since tuesday, we texted. then gradually, till today, it changed from msging almost every minute till 2-3 replies per day. do you know how much it's killing me? i know that you might not feel anything. but, i do! i felt really jealous. every time i looked at you and see you having fun with them, it hurts alot. i feel like a fool, really. a fool who dont enjoy herself and looked at the person she has fallen for surrounded by girls, helplessly. i feel so helpless. the guy who promised that he'll be there with me, and for me, whenever i needed him. the guy who said that he wants to become the best boyf of mine that noone could be. the guy who said that he couldnt live w/o me. what happened? are these words/promises all fake? i dont know. its always when i start to put my faith and trust in a person, something would happen to break this faith and trust apart. i dont know. sotong i really want to talk this out. seriously. i feel so horrible. sotong, for the first time, i want to make effort to keep a r/s going. but please tell me what to do. are you going to just give up on all these and go enjoy, er flirting, somemore? i dont know! i dont feel secure.

what can i do now? you're not even replying my msg. do you have any idea how much i hope for? like, to receive a msg from you. you know, last time, whenever we're in the same room, despite lectures or whatsoever, you still bother to talk to me, hold my hand, or at the very least show some care and concern. but now, whenever we walk past each other, you dont even bother saying hi or sth. when we're in the same room, you dont hold my hand or even talk to me. when i walk out of a place looking sad, you dont chase/follow after me, ask me whats wrong, then hug me tightly. what's this?! i miss your touch, i miss your voice, i miss your smile, i miss your smell, i miss your hug, and.. most importantly.. i miss you. its been a very very long time since you replied. i saw you texting people, but apparently, i'm not the one. so you'd rather reply other people (or girls T_T) msgs than mine? look how insignificant i am. ): seriously, i need to know your decision. :( can you tell me how you feel about this whole thing, TRUTHFULLY? :( or... just text me! ): sigh. i feel so horrible.

or not... can you just sms me? i'm not strong enough to face this. i feel so alone. you've no idea how much i wanted to cry throughout the camp, but i've no courage to? sigh. whenever i hope for sth to happen, it'll never happen, and my hopes are then crashed. disappointments.

sigh. you sure you cant survive w/o me? then how did you survive for the past two days +++? :( sigh, and you sure that your love for me, until now, hasnt decreased? like, you still love me like the way you do before the camp.

i hate myself for being like this. i really do. are we able to maintain this relationship strong? it sucks to face this alone, can we face it together? i dont know. you decide. tell me your answer okay? i'll try to talk properly :/

you know just now ever since the day started, i've been waiting for your text, regarding like after the camp maybe wanna spend quality time together or not. but you didnt. you didnt ask me. i was hoping for you to take the initiative; just to clear this mess. i waited and waited, hoping that you'll text me. even when i'm on my way home, i still hoped that you'd text me. just a simple msg will do. but you didnt. just now in the lecture hall, i saw you texting. though i know its not me, but somewhere and somehow in my heart i still hoped that you were texting me. but again, i was wrong. you were texting someone else. then my mind went wild; i think you texted the girls you just knew or sth, then you didnt wanna reply me nor entertain my stupid unreasonable requests/stuffs.

sigh, i've no idea why for since wed i dont have much appetite to eat. ): didnt really finished dinner yesterday; no appetite. :/ sighhhhhhhh! sotong i miss you.

sigh. i miss you. ): hopefully whatever you've said its true.